CoD:Black Ops (BlOps) Gameplay

My boy Chelios has been playing Blops (I’m making it happen people) as much as he can get away with while still maintaining a stable marriage. Over the next year it may cause a couple rocky patches so  he should probably invest now in some back-up dildos just to keep things sweet.

The wager matches are pimp and here he is with some pretty smooth kills in Sticks and Stones, which loads you out with a Crossbow, Ballistic Knives and a Hatchet to bankrupt your victim, separating them from their hard earned points.

What a bastard.

Gran Turismo 5 Intro Movie Question Mark

I’ve only ever gone for arcade racers but growing some love in the lead up to Gran Turismo 5 and having played it at Eurogamer I can exclusively reveal I am very moist for this title.

In my underpants.

So even though the game has just gone gold, somehow, some people already have a copy and are being asked by Sony to take down their YouTube posts of screen caps. Because god forbid they should get free advertising.

So mooching around some I found this poor quality video of the game’s intro sequence.

It looks pretty legit but I will have to confirm its authenticity via my network of industry contacts.

*puts porn on continuous loop. screams at garden furniture mail order call centres. fails to realise phone is unplugged*

I guess the jury will have to remain out on this one until Sony forwards someone their review copy.

Ahem.

But Of Course Hutch has played Black Ops Multiplayer

In the interests of whoring up some cheap hits I’m posting Black Ops content just one day before release.

So Hutch is probably the most famous if not the most successful COD player, being picked up by Machinima like some truck stop hooker only instead of receiving a bludgeoning and shallow burial they gave him a job. Thumbs up for him, and he’s a natural choice to forward a copy of Black Ops and have in what appears to be a press lobby. Here he is getting a bit of a hammering (like the truck stop hooker) but also giving back and coming out ok (unlike the lay by temptress).

The advance your weapon every time you score a kill match type.

And standard Team Deathmatch

Well there we are. I hope you weren’t expecting John Simpson quality journalism here.

Call of Duty: Black Ops Launch Trailer

Check out Chelios’ excellent complete introduction to Black Ops multiplayer HERE

This is a few days old, because we are such bleeding edge reporters. This morning I even won an award.

True that it was an award for a delicious sandwich. And I awarded it to myself.

But how many awards have you won today?

No. No I didn’t think so.

I have a conflicting relationship with COD games. It’s fair to say that they are probably top banana when it comes to online multiplayers, in terms of popularity at least. In terms of quality at most, some would argue. As a person who wants gaming to be more progressive, to be about more than headshots I dislike what they are about when you get right down to it.

Then I punch myself in the arm, tell myself to stop being such a douche and just enjoy something awesome. It’s the same part of me that loves Commando, Crank and Rambo. It’s the part of you that’s still a ten year old kid playing war with your friends. The part of you which has no idea how to take something seriously. It’s like on these bullshit “best ____ movie/TV show of _______” programmes. An arbitrary panel tries to dissect in soundbites of 15 seconds or less how these movies/TV shows worked and someone inevitably pipes up with how He-Man was gay or some shit. Some people just try looking into stuff too hard and make something out of nothing.

So not gay.

COD is kinda like that. You’ve got to just enjoy it for what it is and stop being a nonce.If you have a pretentious side like I do, give it some mescaline and send it away for a little while.

Anyway I sometimes hate loving it because I play it so damn much that I tend to exclude playing all else. I reach for another game but then boot up to find I inserted COD. It’s a snappy arcade shooter so you think you can just get by with one match. Which turns into two matches and so on.

And god help you if you give it a rest for two weeks because you’ll jump back in at whatever level you got up to, only you will get a shoeing because you’ve lost the edge. You’ll need to spend a couple of hours getting back to your previous ability, and then because you’ve re-invested that time you feel you need to commit more time to make it all worth it. Then you’re hooked again.

Such is the genius of its design. My rounds tend to vacillate between super-human triumph, and shrugging whinge about latency. More often the latter. Either way, only Demon’s Souls can match it for booting your adrenal gland into your heart at every instance. This is what makes it, roundly, the most accomplished online multiplayer made thus far.

Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood Multiplayer Gameplay

 

I fucking love the AC Brotherhood multiplayer. It’s easily the freshest take on multiplayer since Demon’s Souls. So I’m robbing this footage from the ever wonderful Machinima so that you peeps can view the excellent give/take pacing. Aren’t I nice?

Now make me a fucking sandwich, bitch.  I don’t do this shit to get paid y’know.

 

Battlefield Bad company 2 gameplay vid

Watch this. Please. You owe it to yourself and your children and your childrens children and so on until the planet dies.

Update I don’t think the vid is embeding properly so click ->http://tinyurl.com/2a29t24 and it’ll take you there.

I know this is more work, but again, think of the children and your childrens children and so on.

Movie Review – Don’t Rob Sheds

As you arrived here on GamesBurp it may not have escaped your attention that we are a blog about games, and sometimes TV if there’s anything good on. Which there usually isn’t. Check out the post below and it seems like all the rules normal society abides by have gone straight to hell because oh my god that’s a movie right there, plain as the winnets in my anal beard. Cats will be sleeping with dogs, up will become down and so on.

I’ve decided to embrace it because really, I have a spare half hour, and isn’t that why we engage in most human activity these days?

Bam we’re straight into the action as a virgin homeowner becomes aware of a disturbance of some kind in his garden.

We know he is a virgin because he has what appears to be a Tin Tin box set on the shelf and that glass cabinet is almost certainly dressed with popular Sci-Fi memorabilia. The director takes us into the very psyche of the virgin, instead of merely giving us a ham fisted back story in dialogue, he simply shows us; alluding to the man’s past. Instead of investigating he heads directly for the gun. What has caused this man to act so paranoid? This man is prepared to take an armed conflict to a cat scrabbling around outside. He is clearly unstable or has experienced some kind of trauma of which he is unable to deal with.

The man checks his weapon and dons some RealD 3D light polarizing glasses for some reason, just to load a round into the chamber. In a master stroke the film makers have literally added new depth to this picture. It comments on the recent rush to 3D films by featuring the glasses in a 2D presentation, bending the fourth wall and subverting every subsequent 3D movie from now on. Forever. It also shows us that this character has a very stilted view of the world, he wears these 3D glasses to try to get some perspective, to try to find a new dimension to life in these extreme circumstances of a noise outside.

Here the plot blows wide open as we see that the virgin’s paranoia is justified and in this instance his over-reaction has possibly saved him the contents of his shed at the expense of human life. As stunned spectators we know that this only reinforces his actions and in crossing this line his condition can only worsen. A significant point to note is that after putting on 3D glasses to cock his gun, he decides to remove them en route to the door before confronting the threat. He does not want anything between him and his target he does not want his struggle to find depth in the universe to interfere in these next pivotal moments. He needs to see clearly.

Not content with giving us a flat antagonist, the director provides a fully fledged character as the catalyst for this story. He may be the most inept burglar in film, what motivates him to be this way? The answers enrich the screen. First he chooses to dress like a burglar, the only way he could look more like a thief is if he had a black and white striped top. He appears to either be trying to jemmy open a door which has no lock, or he is trying to force the door at a point away from the lock. Whichever it is he has somehow made enough noise to attract attention from the owner who was inside watching TV, by making no progress whatsoever. One thing is clear. The burglar wants to be caught. Whether wracked with guilt over a life of crime begging to be punished to atone for his sins, or simply a desperate man at the end of his tether, fed up with spending his days giving gloved hand jobs in return for a meal. Of semen.

The slow motion zoom is inching us into his eyes, daring us to be complicit in his punishment, but also putting us in the agonizing position of empathizing with him at the same time.

It is here the film pulls its masterstroke. Suddenly the virgin has his RealD 3D glasses back on. Is he sympathising with this hand jobbing burglar? Is he trying to quantify what he’s doing or put himself in the thief’s position. He’s conflicted and in the last seconds the truth is revealed as when he pulls the trigger, the glasses are gone. Did the glasses ever exist at all except in his mind? He’s a man with mixed concepts of reality and his skewed perspective cost the life of a man who is crying out for help, such is the tragic portrait laid out before us.

My favourite section though is the last 20 seconds, comprising more than a full third of the finished movie. It is a tour de force performance as we are artfully treated to a sombre and reflective stillness. Simple black and white as the heartbreaking red of murder is still etched across our eyes emphasises the brutality as it extends for a near uncomfortable length (a problem I don’t have. Call me, ladies) of time.

Again the director shows the mastery he has over his craft by once more subverting modern film culture.  Mocking the studio race to get films out on DVD and Blu-Ray so soon after a theatrical release, he beats the studios to the punch by releasing the completed motion picture as its own trailer. There is no direction he cannot take us.

As a man built more for comfort than speed myself I was able to relate to the characters on a personal level and cannot wait for the inevitable prequel “Chubby Crimespree: Man at Large” exploring the mechanics of heisting your own life towards a tragic end.

Above all as I went for a post movie urination I was left with the impression of a small, wonderfully crafted, intimately shaped and underappreciated piece of work. When my thoughts turned back to the film I felt the message pounding in my head. Indeed I was discouraged to rob sheds. But even the title is used like a cinematic vernacular for this man, it means many things.

Primarily the obvious message” Do Not Rob a Shed”. Then it could be referring to either one of the men whose name could be “Rob Sheds”. So it may be “Don’t (burgle anymore), Rob Sheds” or “Don’t (shoot), Rob Sheds”.

There are likely many layers I am missing from what I can say is truly the most compelling feature film of this afternoon.

Killzone 3 E3 Trailer

Looks pretty sweet, especially the ocean. I really feel the ocean needs to be used in a great way in a game.

Killzone 3 will also be launching in 3D, for those of you who have compatible televisions. I don’t, nor will I have for a few years. So if you do have one, go fuck yourself while you’re at it you smug bastard.

Tootles

Red Dead Redemption Revolution Vid

Check out this vid from Machinima’s channel, because I couldn’t be bothered to log on to look at Rockstar’s. Oh yeah, I’m that lazy. I’m not even typing this right now, I’m having a swedish couple do it on the false understanding that I’m some kind of eccentric English Duke and that I will introduce them into the world of aristocratic swinger’s parties.

Having assless chaps really helps sell the eccentricity. Or whatever.

Anyway, this is probably the weakest RDR video so far but I’m so ravenous for the game that I don’t even care. It’s been a tremendous cock tease thusfar but I’m able to see past all its bullshit because I know it’s gonna give it up real soon.

Don’t play coy, babe. Shhhhhhhhh………

Red Dead Redemption Gameplay Series Vid, Competitive Multiplayer

New trailer.

Check out all our Red Dead coverage so far HERE plus a post about sofas, which is nice.

Rockstar really are pimping multiplayer and just like GTA4 it will only be good if you posse up with friends. This looks fun, especially the mexican stand off to start the rounds. I pre ordered my copy form Amazon today, I’m sure you will be able to sleep tonight having been unable to do so this past week, due to not knowing my pre-order status.

My tip is glowing in anticipation for RDR.